how to believe?

"residing in duality" or alluding to tensions between heart and mind are just sophisticated ways of saying "schizophrenic". say the dirty word, dammnit. say it, sully yourself, jump in the mud and roll in it. ok. rant over. i don't even know what that was for.

i really want to believe A, that he knows we will spend the rest of our lives together. my heart just leapt, reflexively, on reading the text this morning. and it was as if everything was right in the world again, had i not given it a second thought. but i remember he also said that he was in a bad way, that he didn't know what he was talking about, and not to take stock in anything that he said. and tomorrow he might just say to me, i can't think beyond next week, i can't even bear to think about the future right now. and i wanted to kick myself in the ass so badly, for being so hung up and clinging on to the remotest form of encouragement and hope. i haven't replied, the natural response of anyone faced with even the slightest tinge of positivity from the person whom she wants to do the right thing/be the right person for but knows he doesn't think much of her is that of a sycophant. and hell i am not a sycophant, i would hate myself so much. and i will not be, especially to someone who doesn't know what he wants.

i am breathing hard, the air is so still.

have procrastinated enough. cover letter time, so help me God.