riding out a pair of swollen eyes

and thought i'd be self indulgent and gasp, start a new blog. i wonder what that says about me, that i keep looking to new places instead of fixing the old, yet i can't bear to close down the old ones or take the old posts off. i really should close xanga- both li*han and na*sil. but i can't. i have 2 blogs on typepad, 1 on blogspot and 1 on livejournal. or 2? and now vox. SEVEN blogs. what the heck is wrong with me. there really is something wrong with me. that, and i have no sophistication of writing style, and that my thoughts are complicated in a most childish, cliched way. i really am some kind of freak. it's just that a clean slate excites me. it's false consciousness really, it's pretense, a facade, an escape from a previous escape... 7 times over. what am i running from? myself?

anyway that's about all i wanted to say really. i'm helpless at this point, i don't know what to do or think and my brain is fried to a crisp so thank God for God. and even in my grovelly pathetic state of zero dignity and confidence, i can croak out in praise that God loves me in spite of my emotional inadequacies, in spite of my sin, in spite of my dwindling capacity to love, in spite of my blindness and denseness. in spite of my jealousy- of her (P), of her actually being able to understand A, of her flair for the written word (and his ability to understand her convoluted prose), of their untouchable kindred spirits. in spite of my ugliness, there is a God who loves me, how is that possible?

maybe i'll write more tomorrow. i have a major cover letter to write before i go meet E in town. i should get some sleep so i can rise at a decent hour.