you know that feeling you get when

you realise that a certain good part of you, something that you knew was such an integral part of your good person, might truly be lost and gone forever? "might"- only used because of some sort of denial on my part; deep inside i know that my ability to trust another man fully, and mean it, is irretrievable. "is irretrievable"- so hard to type, like i don't want to believe it myself, but it's true. that simple peace is irretrievable, no matter the goodness of the man i'm dating or the next man i date, and it is something i'm grasping at desperately, trying to mask my demons in the meantime, trying to be good, trying not to be disgusting. and as each day passes, it's one day further from the whole reason why i am this way, it's one more failed day afforded to me to get over it, one day closer to it becoming all my fault and none of D's, one day closer to a big fat joke. and every morning i wake up and i'm still this pathetic person, the same, if not worse than before. it has come to the point where it has become laughable that i could possibly actually still blame D for it, because that was a different life and a separate time and i was myself but not; i have these visions of going up to him and saying to his face while extending a pointed finger, "you destroyed me".

the vision continues though, a look of bewilderment on his face, he knows not what i am talking about, "excuse me?". and oh, my, the joke's on me now.

i know this in my heart to be true, and i am experimenting, to my own detriment and potential demise of my current relationship, different ways to move on- how to stop the blame and shoulder responsibility, cold turkey, seriously? phrases to repeat in my head to counter paranoia, jealousy and insecurity. or is this who i am. how to fill the gap of the "irretrievable" with good things instead of all the bad that resides in there now, and oh, that cup runneth over a million times. for i know all the things i want to know will never solve or satisfy, only because i want my suspicions confirmed; how perverse to keep looking!

and it only brings me back to my original points. i need to stop, which i've known for years. and grudges are bad news- the need for sick satisfaction will never be gratified.