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i wondered, truly, if he was worth leaving my parents for. truth is, i feel very tossed aside. don't know why i had hoped for more than a  "cool babe, thanks" when he received the package instead of him saying that and then running off, don't know why i hope for his emails, for affirmation of his love through more than just an sms. i hate it when he calls me names and "YOU ARE ____" fill in the blank. with words like ridiculous. interruptor. you love to talk over me. you are this. you are that. you are all these bad things. said in that righteous, resigned, accusatory, exasperated, forceful tone. never a fucking nice word. never. ugh. angry.  i am truly starting to doubt his love for me. doubt doubt doubt. doubt.

when is the right time to say no? i just have to wait for him to come home in 1.5 months. and then we'll talk, we'll see if i can manage it because me feeling is i can't. not "it". i can't manage him. him and his fucking ideas. sick of it. SICK. man. every day i wake up and realise that my relationship is one day closer to being over.

I can see that look in your eye
I never dreamed it could be over
I never wanted to say goodbye

Looking back over my shoulder
With an aching deep in my heart
I wish that we were starting over
Oh instead of drifting so far apart

Everybody told me you were leaving
Funny I should be the last to know
Baby please tell me that I'm dreaming
I just never want to let you go

Looking back over my shoulder
I can see that look in your eye
Turning my heart over and over
I never wanted to say goodbye

I don't mind everybody laughing
But it's enough to make a grown man cry
Cos I can feel you slipping through my fingers
I don't even know the reason why

Every day it's a losing battle
Just to smile and hold my head up high
Could it be that we belong together
Baby won't you give me one more try
One more try

Looking back over my shoulder
I can see that look in your eye
I never dreamed it could be over
I never wanted to say goodbye

Looking back over my shoulder
Oh with an aching feeling inside
Cutting me up, deeper and deeper
Fills me with a sadness that I can't hide

Looking back over my shoulder
I can see that look in your eye
I never dreamed no no it could be over
I never wanted to say goodbye

Looking back over my shoulder
I can see that look in your eye

my mother has a psychotic fit, i get a job offer, i come home to find my mother has taken away my happy photo with anand from my bedside, yves saint laurent dies. i realise that i hate myself and have to learn to love.. me. ugh!

yeah, so that happened tonight, and my mother tried to kill herself by sticking her fingers and toes into the socket in my room, and i felt angrier and hated her more, instead of sorry. then she went into a psychotic fit and drooled and sang and laughed and cried and clawed the skin out of my fathers hands, punched me in the neck.

i'm really only writing this down because i want to remember this night. the night my mother tried to stick her finger in the socket. but i also do want to take steps towards forgiveness. i don't know where to start. and loving myself, because i don't. and i don't want to blame people for anything anymore. but i know, deep inside, i still do, i still hate them, i still harbour anger in droves, but i want to get rid of that one step at a time.

somehow when i typed the previous post, reading it now, i must have seen this coming. i'm tired. and i'm going to have a pair of swollen eyes tmr when i go in for my interview. i'm so tired.

anger. cannot. breathe. very. tired. very. angry. very. numb.
cannot. be. bothered. very. unstable. very. tired.

and it includes a big bed, and the house size doesn't matter. there is a couch, comfortable, and a tv. and there is svu playing. there is a husband, who smells nice, in fact, the house smells nice, the bed smells of us, bathed, with musky undertones of sweat detectable only to its occupants. there are no children, not yet, but there is a world right there.

there is a kitchen with ikea bottles and jars, clean, organised.

there is a job, that's not particularly well-paid, but which i love. he makes a good, honest living. there is a quiet, peaceful sense of the things that are important, and there is separation. separation from the chaos that is going on outside our door, from people, from ugliness.

over and above, there is knowing, there is certainty- in God, in each other, in love, that governs interaction in this dream life.

thinking about this dream life makes me glad.

i came back to a place i didn't really want to come back to, to parents whom i don't really get along with, to no job, to no actual life and my relationship is in the worst state it's ever been. on all fronts, save the religious one, life is shit. it really really is shit. and yet i'm okay, which is testament to God's goodness, i even have joy, but i question that joy, i question my place in life, and its current state. if you looked hard enough, i'm sure you could detect my wariness/weariness.

i speak of inner peace, but on all accounts i am desperate. 

someone who understands you/the other completely, inside out, pre-empts you/him/her, knows your/his/her motivations and intentions, your/his/her sensitivities, proclivities, demons

or

someone who doesn't quite meet you/him/her on a similar wavelength, but is a safe, warm haven from your/ him/herself and all the things that you/he/she hate(s) about your/him/herself

ceteris paribus of course, holding love constant most of all.

you realise that a certain good part of you, something that you knew was such an integral part of your good person, might truly be lost and gone forever? "might"- only used because of some sort of denial on my part; deep inside i know that my ability to trust another man fully, and mean it, is irretrievable. "is irretrievable"- so hard to type, like i don't want to believe it myself, but it's true. that simple peace is irretrievable, no matter the goodness of the man i'm dating or the next man i date, and it is something i'm grasping at desperately, trying to mask my demons in the meantime, trying to be good, trying not to be disgusting. and as each day passes, it's one day further from the whole reason why i am this way, it's one more failed day afforded to me to get over it, one day closer to it becoming all my fault and none of D's, one day closer to a big fat joke. and every morning i wake up and i'm still this pathetic person, the same, if not worse than before. it has come to the point where it has become laughable that i could possibly actually still blame D for it, because that was a different life and a separate time and i was myself but not; i have these visions of going up to him and saying to his face while extending a pointed finger, "you destroyed me".

the vision continues though, a look of bewilderment on his face, he knows not what i am talking about, "excuse me?". and oh, my, the joke's on me now.

i know this in my heart to be true, and i am experimenting, to my own detriment and potential demise of my current relationship, different ways to move on- how to stop the blame and shoulder responsibility, cold turkey, seriously? phrases to repeat in my head to counter paranoia, jealousy and insecurity. or is this who i am. how to fill the gap of the "irretrievable" with good things instead of all the bad that resides in there now, and oh, that cup runneth over a million times. for i know all the things i want to know will never solve or satisfy, only because i want my suspicions confirmed; how perverse to keep looking!

and it only brings me back to my original points. i need to stop, which i've known for years. and grudges are bad news- the need for sick satisfaction will never be gratified.

"residing in duality" or alluding to tensions between heart and mind are just sophisticated ways of saying "schizophrenic". say the dirty word, dammnit. say it, sully yourself, jump in the mud and roll in it. ok. rant over. i don't even know what that was for.

i really want to believe A, that he knows we will spend the rest of our lives together. my heart just leapt, reflexively, on reading the text this morning. and it was as if everything was right in the world again, had i not given it a second thought. but i remember he also said that he was in a bad way, that he didn't know what he was talking about, and not to take stock in anything that he said. and tomorrow he might just say to me, i can't think beyond next week, i can't even bear to think about the future right now. and i wanted to kick myself in the ass so badly, for being so hung up and clinging on to the remotest form of encouragement and hope. i haven't replied, the natural response of anyone faced with even the slightest tinge of positivity from the person whom she wants to do the right thing/be the right person for but knows he doesn't think much of her is that of a sycophant. and hell i am not a sycophant, i would hate myself so much. and i will not be, especially to someone who doesn't know what he wants.

i am breathing hard, the air is so still.

have procrastinated enough. cover letter time, so help me God.